Lama Surya Das in Awakening to the Sacred says: “Learning how to love is the goal and the purpose of spiritual life — not learning how to develop psychic powers, not learning how to bow, chant, do yoga, or even meditate, but learning to love . Love is the truth. Love is the light.”

Most of us place so much concern and worry around ‘finding the right partner’ (and more often than it finding the right partner by a certain date that our biological clocks seems to determines); that when it actually happens and we want to move forward with the relationship, we find ourselves unprepared.

For any relationship to evolve naturally into the next step, we need to become aware of own behavioural patterns from the start and learn how to integrate that person as well as being in a relationship into our lives. This integration takes place when we move forward steadily.

Maintaining balance as a relationship unfolds allows us to reflect on it objectively and helps to keep our fingers ‘on the pulse’. We are able then to gauge are feelings, emotions, and needs as well as those of our partner’s in a grounded , practical way and can respond to changes as and when they occur.

This also means we do not need to give up anything in order to maintain the person we found! Think of it like constructing a house: for a sound structure, you need to lay a strong foundation, and then move upwards one floor at a time (of course prefab buildings are another story)! (continued in right column).

Books - Love & Relationships

Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships, by Eric Berne.
We all play games. In every encounter with other people we are doing so. The nature of these games depends both on the situation and on who we meet. Eric Berne’s book is the most accessible and insightful book ever written about the games we play: those patterns of behaviour that reveal hidden feelings and emotions. Must read. Amazon UK, Amazon USA.

How to Love and Be Loved (Overcoming Common Problems), by Paul Hauck. Sheldon Press 1983 [very difficult to find]. This text explains how relationships develop, how they can go wrong, and how they can be improved. This book shows that to gain respect, admiration and love requires more than kindness, patience and tolerance. Romantic notions of love are often misleading and if we "spoil" people we may end up by no longer loving them. It argues that loving relationships are better when they contain an element of assertiveness. Hauck is the author of "How to Stand Up for Yourself", "Calm Down, Why Be Afraid?" and "Making Marriage Work". Must read! Amazon UK, Amazon USA.

If it's Heartbreak, it Can be Healed: Letting Go of Hurt and Learning to Love Again, by Chuck Spezzano. I love this book- and it works! Everyone has felt the pain and anguish of heartbreak, and most have searched in vain for resolution. If It's Heartbreak, It Can Be Healed is an interactive journey filled with signposts and roadmaps to show you the way through your suffering. Relationship expert Dr. Chuck Spezzano offers practical, inspiring insights and lessons for anyone who has been through disappointments and setbacks that come from a broken heart. For example, did you know Emotional pain shows that you are making a mistake? And you can correct this mistake. Amazon UK, Amazon USA.

Iron John: A Book About Men, by Robert Bly.
For women to understand men, and for men to understand themselves! Robert Bly writes that it is clear to men that the images of adult manhood given by popular culture are worn out, that a man can no longer depend on them. Iron John searches for a new vision of what a man is or could be, drawing on psychology, anthropology, mythology, folklore and legend. He looks at the importance of the Wild Man (reminiscent of the Wild Woman in Women Who Run With the Wolves), who he compares to a Zen priest, a shaman or a woodman. 'Important.timely.and powerful' New York Times.Amazon UK, Amazon USA.

Passionate Marriage, Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Realtionships, by Dr. David Schnarch. Passionate Marriage is recognized as the pioneering book on intimate human relationships. With a new preface by the author, this updated edition explores ways we can keep passion alive, and even reach the heights of sexual and emotional fulfillment. Dr. David Schnarch accompanies his inspirational message of attaining long-term happiness in committed relationships, with proven techniques developed over 30 years helping couples around the world develop greater intimacy. Amazon UK, Amazon USA.

30 Days to Find Your Perfect Mate (30 Days to Go), by Chuck Spezzano.
This text contains 30 daily exercises designed as a spiritual, yet practical, guide to discovering what it is that the reader wants from a partner, and how he or she may welcome that person into their lives. Amazon UK, Amazon USA.


This is because, whether you are aware of it not, every new state or change in our lives; such as having a partner, a new job, moving to a new home, or whatever it may be, takes some getting used to before we are able to leap, and in deed cope with, the next.

During this ‘getting used to’ stage our personal ‘energetic’ pattern (a matrix of our soul, belief/emotional system, and body) is able to adjust, realign, and expand accommodating this new change, or integrating it, into our current personal dynamic.

It is during this time also that we can become aware of what does not harmoniously fit, because with every step, we and our expectations change. Move too quickly or too slowly, you'll offset this harmony and if not careful, and step right into a painful relationship.

Dear Sahar,
I am very insecure in my relationship, how can I be less clingy?
Patricia Jade, Leeds.

Dear Patricia,
Facing the problem is half way to finding the solution! By doing so you recognise that there is a personal behavioural pattern that is out of alignment within you – namely feeling insecure. In other words, you need to address the issues within before you can begin to see changes in your relationship.

Becoming aware of your feelings is a good pace to start. Only you can make yourself feel more secure - not your partner.

© Sahar Huneidi

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